Sam's Diary
by HathorGirl
Summary: Sam is writing a diary, mostly about the Tok'ra, Jolinar, and Martouf/Lantash. SML.
1. Chapter 1

Answer to this challenge from the Tok'ra Resistance board:

Sam, Martouf/Lantash  
challenge:  
Sam is writing a diary, in which she discribes her feelings for Martouf and what she likes at him and what she likes at Martouf!  
perhaps she could tell some funny or romantic stories about Jolinars relationsship to martouf/Lantesh in this story?  
maybe Martouf and Lantash find the diary?

* * *

Sam POV

I tiredly sit down and grab my diary, intending to write down a little about how I feel, and what happened. I really don't know what to say or feel. We met the Tok'ra, and my dad became a host. So much happened!

I open the diary and look at the few entries there. It's more than a year ago that I decided to keep a diary, but I am failing at it - just like last time I tried, when I was in high school.

I read the four entries. The first one I made when we had just returned from the planet inhabited by the Shavadai. It's mostly a rant about male chauvinism.

I look at the next entry, and that was made only about a week later, when we were recovering from that damn plague that made us devolve into savages. I remember with a flush of shame that I came onto the Colonel. I would never have done that if my mind was clear. He's attractive, yes, but I don't feel for him like that, and even if I did, it wouldn't be worth my career. The entry confirms that my feelings were the same then.

Then some time passes before the next entry, which is very short. It was made just after we met an alien called Nem, from a species called the Oannes. We thought Daniel was dead, and I was clearly distressed, already feeling Daniel was a friend back then. Now he is more than that, almost a brother to me.

My next - and last - entry is after that whole mess with Hathor. It is short, and I notice one of the few lines is about my relief General Hammond did not have me court martialled for hitting him. For knocking him unconscious.

Sighing deeply, I turn the diary to a fresh page and grab my pen. I want to write down my thoughts and feelings while they are still fresh.

_._

_October 9 1998_

_We just returned from meeting the Tok'ra. I have been having strange dreams caused by memories from Jolinar... for weeks, actually. I have also had memory flashes, but I haven't told my team mates or anyone else, really, about those. They know I had one on that planet where Daniel became dependent on the sarcophagus, of course, but I think I convinced them it was due to the circumstances._

_At least I hope I convinced them._

_I know they have discovered changes in me. I think I have so myself too, but it is hard to tell if it always was so, or if I just think it always was so. Janet and Daniel - and even Teal'c and the Colonel - have commented on changes in my behaviour. I am more... willing to do what needs to be done, now. Maybe a better soldier, because one thing I have always worried about it that I don't think I could shoot a friend - or even a former friend - if it was necessary. That brought about the whole problem with Jonas - I couldn't shoot him when he had me captured, and it almost cost the lives of all of us. I think I could shoot him now. I know I could. I _know_ I could even do that with Daniel, Teal'c, or the Colonel, if it was necessary - if one of them had been taken by a Goa'uld, for instance._

_That is a change due to Jolinar. I can do what needs to be done, even if it hurts. I have noticed some smaller things too - or Daniel have. I like some foods I didn't before - and hate some I liked. Actually, there is a lot of smaller things which have changed, but that is just me, now, so why spend time thinking about it? If the memories make you - to a large degree - then it is hardly strange I have changed. Jolinar had lived for so much longer, and even if I cannot recall most of her memories, they still affect me._

_Which brings me to the recent events._

_I had known for a while that we needed to find the Tok'ra, needed to meet them and ally with them. When I finally managed to see the entire address of that base world of theirs in my dreams, I felt a strange sense of...peace. Even though it was mingled with anxiety. It was as if that place was calling to me - and I thought it was perhaps because the part of me that was Jolinar wanted to go home..._

_We went to the planet, and met the Tok'ra. It was all strangely familiar, but most of the memories from Jolinar were still out of reach...in the way were you can almost remember something._

_When I saw Martouf, I knew he was someone special. I had no idea how correct this was. His name came to me, and that slowly started my recall of things regarding the Tok'ra. I recognized other people too, but none I could put names to._

_The one called Cordesh gave me the heebie-jeebeis. There was _something_ to him that screamed danger, that he couldn't be trusted._

_Of course, that soon turned out to be true. He was a traitor, and had told the Goa'uld System Lords the planet the Tok'ra were on. I know feel certain Jolinar knew he was a traitor, and that it was part of the reason she wanted to return to the Tok'ra so badly. She needed to warn them of the traitor._

_The other reason was Martouf - and Lantash. Her beloved mates._

_I walked alone with Martouf and Lantash in the desert, and it was so strange. The longer we spent together, the more I felt a bond to him/them. It all fell in place when Lantash told me Jolinar had been his mate for a hundred years._

_I was completely confused. Part of me wanted to throw my arms around them and hug them to me and cry for... Rosha? And for Jolinar. Part of me just wanted to run away from the strangeness of it all. Martouf and Lantash were so understanding. I cannot understand how anyone could be so kind. They were grieving, and they must have blamed me for Jolinar's death._

_Still, they thought only of helping me understand. When I held Martouf's hand, I did not want us to ever stop. I just wanted to sit there, with him. It all felt so right._

_He held my hand again while we waited for dad to wake up, after he had become host to Selmak. To think that Martouf and Lantash would remain there with me, endangering themselves. For someone they barely knew. Their presence was far more comforting than I wanted to admit to them._

_When they left, together with dad and Garshaw, I felt like crying. I already missed them badly. I was sad to see dad go as well. It was all so emotional, and confusing._

_Now I sit her afterwards, and try to make sense of it all. I know some of it is because I am emotionally vulnerable, because my dad's near brush with death. However, I know that is not all. What I feel for Martouf...and Lantash too...it transcends anything I have ever felt for anyone else._

_Yes, I know it is due to Jolinar's memories. Her emotions, her love for her mates. Still, part of me wonders if I would not have fell for Martouf regardless. He is sweet, kind, and wise...and so very attractive._

_My heart beats faster just thinking of him. Is it due to Jolinar? Probably, but I think part of it is me, falling for Martouf._

_I really need to figure all of this out. I mean, I don't think he is interested in me - aside from me being what is left over from Jolinar...but I don't know. I...kind of wish him to like me. At least as a friend._

_We shall see. For now, I dearly hope we meet them again soon!_

* * *

I sit down again, to write in my diary.

_._

_November 15 1998_

_We have just returned from a short mission with the Tok'ra. With Martouf. We met a few of them by coincidence, and went back with them to their base - they took care not to show us the coordinates, but I guess I can understand._

_I talked to my dad, and he is doing well. That is a relief. He is becoming very good friends with Selmak, his symbiote._

_We mentioned we were soon going to a planet which seemed to have been abandoned by the Goa'uld recently, and we asked the Tok'ra what they knew about it. They offered to send someone with us, and we agreed. Martouf was the one to volunteer._

_I remember my heart beating faster the moment I laid eyes on him again, and he smiled at me, so sweetly. There was still sadness there, but less than when last we met._

_We had little time to talk, but it was strangely comforting just to have him nearby. I suggested he call me Samantha instead of Captain Carter, because it seemed wrong that he used my title and last name. As if he was too familiar to me for that. He smiled and thanked me, and said my name was beautiful._

_I have never really liked being called Samantha, and never really allowed anyone to use it. Narim, and a few family members... and now Martouf._

_How I love hearing him say my name!_


	2. Chapter 2

Sam POV

_._

_December 4 1998_

_Tonight I dreamt about Martouf. It was a dream from Jolinar, which I often have, but this one was different. It was highly erotic. I awoke with a scream, more aroused than I can ever imagine being. I could still hear the sounds Martouf was making as Jolinar touched him, the soft sounds of pleasure he made. Then they kissed, and he started touching her in a way that had her begging for release almost immediately._

_Then he plunged into her and rode her hard and fast, and she came so hard. Martouf slowed down, and allowed her to recover some, before starting to go faster again. His eyes flashed, and Lantash took over. He changed the angle, hitting _just_ the right spot, and it took very little before Jolinar came again. Lantash followed her moments later, shuddering against her and calling out her name. And mine._

_That is why I remember this dream so vividly. It was not the first dream about Martouf and Lantash, not even the first erotic one, but while I usually feel as if it is me it is happening to, it is also always the case that I am Jolinar in these dreams._

_Not so this time. I was myself, as host to Jolinar._

* * *

_December 20 1998_

_Another erotic dream of the same kind, though this time I was merely myself, making love with Martouf and Lantash. They were the best, most considerate, wonderful lovers you can ever imagine. Also, so very passionate._

_I know how Martouf looks naked. He always looks the same in my dreams, so I am quite convinced this is how he actually looks, and it is a memory from Jolinar. He is slim, but relatively muscular. His stomach is flat, and his butt feels strong under my hands...in the dream. I remember the feel of his soft skin, as I slide my hands over his body. I remember his shaft, thick, hard, and long, with silky soft skin over the hardness._

_I feel myself getting aroused even now. These dreams are driving me crazy, and I worry about how awkward it will be to meet Martouf again, after having these dreams about him. Does he know I have those kinds of memories of him?_

* * *

_January 5 1999_

_I had several erotic dreams about Martouf during Christmas break. I haven't counted how many times I have woken up, aroused._

_Sometimes I daydream about him. I feel as if I am obsessed, and I have only met him twice in reality!_

* * *

_February 12 1999_

_We thought it was the Tok'ra who contacted us, but it turned out to be Apophis. He was fleeing from Sokar, who had tortured him almost to death. He was dying when we found him, and there was little we could do._

_He was tortured with a hara'kesh, like Jolinar and I. It brings back memories, and not pleasant ones._

_I find I miss Jolinar. How can I miss her? She took me against my will! Endangered the lives of all of us, threatened Cassie... but she did all of it out of desperation, to get back to save her people and her loved ones. And in the end she gave her life to save me._

_And left all these memories and emotions with me._

_Martouf/Lantash came, together with two other Tok'ra. They had found out we had Apophis, but thought we had captured him. They came to warn us against keeping Apophis, warn us of Sokar._

_Lantash was so angry at us, and I was angry at him - for a while. Then I realized he was worried for us, that he did not understand why we would keep Apophis, if it endangered us._

_Lantash is so passionate, I know. He is fiery, and he speaks his mind, always, even when it is not the smartest thing to do. Then Martouf have to try and make up for it. Just as what happened now. They both mean well, though, and I find myself understanding them...even agreeing with them._

_I wanted them to stay, even - pathetically - asked if they wanted to stay and interrogate Apophis with us, so we could share the knowledge. I must have sounded really desperate. Did he realize I would have said anything to get him to stay?_

_He did stay for a bit longer, though it was only because Sokar attacked, so we couldn't dial out. That was when I got reminded that Martouf and Lantash are very intelligent, and that they have a lot of scientific knowledge._

_We didn't get to talk a lot, and nearly nothing in private. We did get a Tollan communicator from Martouf - and I suspect the Tollan wouldn't like that, but I was too happy to have a way to contact them to care about that. We gave them a GDO and an iris code in return, and I showed Martouf how to use it._

_Now we are officially friends of the Tok'ra. That makes me very happy._

_I still remember Martouf's smile and the way he said 'Samantha' when he stepped through the wormhole, and greeted me. His smile is so charming!_

_I am in love. It is obvious to me, but hopefully not to my team mates. They would laugh at me. I am not the emotional one! I also doubt the Colonel would like me falling for a 'good Goa'uld', and Daniel would probably didn't like it either, due to Sha're and Amaunet. I have no idea what Teal'c would say._

_The question is - is it me who is in love with Martouf, or is it all due to Jolinar? Will I ever be able to tell?_

_Does it even matter?_


	3. Chapter 3

Sam POV

.

_February 26 1999_

_When we got a visitor and a warning from the Re'tou, we contacted the Tok'ra for help in detecting the aliens who were out of phase with us. When my dad and another Tok'ra arrived, I was happy to see my dad - and disappointed Martouf was not with him._

_I find myself worrying for both my dad and for Martouf - it is a dangerous life they live. But so is my life._

* * *

_March 18 1999_

_Martouf was one of three Tok'ra who visited us for a short time today, bringing information about the Goa'uld Heru'ur._

_Again there was little time for private conversation, something I find myself wanting. If nothing else, then because I have so many things I want to ask Martouf about. So many things about Jolinar, and about the Tok'ra._

_Martouf repeated his promise to look after my father, 'as if he was his own'. What does that mean? Just that he is an honourable, kind man - or that he would like Jacob was his... father in law?_

_Sometimes when he looks at me, I suspect he has feelings for me... but maybe that is just wishful thinking. He did say, that time in the desert, that he wanted Jolinar back in his life, even if it was only in a small way. Is that how he looks at me? As the last remaining part of Jolinar? The one carrying Jolinar's love for him? I can understand if it is nice to know that survives, and to want me close, because of that._

_I want more, though, but I cannot tell him how I feel. Particularly not since I don't _know_ if it is I who feels._

* * *

_March 25 1999_

_As I have noticed before, meeting Martouf leads to a lot of dreams in the days after. Dreams about him and Lantash - and sometimes other dreams about the Tok'ra, and Jolinar. I have those kinds of dreams regularly, but when Martouf/Lantash has visited, they are a constant._

_It is both pleasant and a source of embarrassment for me. I feel like I am spying on something that should be private, something that I should not know about. When I meet Martouf, I feel almost as if he can see on me that I have this knowledge, and these dreams. Maybe he knows? I wonder how he feels about it? Is it as embarrassing for him as it is for me?_

_I am sure he pretends not to know. That he doesn't think about it. It's good he doesn't know I have these guilty fantasies about him too. The illicit pleasure they bring me..._

_No, I must not think about this!_

* * *

_April 15 1999_

_We were prisoners of Hathor, for weeks. We thought we had been in stasis for many years, and that everyone we knew were dead._

_Though Martouf would not have been dead, even in that distant future. Had it been true, and we had been in the future, I could have gone to see him, and I would not even have been able to see a difference in him. He would look as young as he does today._

_Of course, he could have been killed._

_Or found another mate._

_I am ashamed that both bothers me, though only the thought of him dead, brings a heart-wrenching agony._

_As it was, it was all a trick, and we were still in the present. We were saved due to help from the Tok'ra._

_I wonder if she survived? Part of me feels guilty. Should I have offered to be her host?_

_How would that have changed things? Would I know be with the Tok'ra? Would it increase or diminish my chances of having a relationship with Martouf/Lantash._

_Because this has made me think of something else. If I _did_ become their..._mate_, then I would die many centuries before Martouf. Can I do that to them?_

_Of course, they may not even be interested._

_Why is it that all the entries I make are about Martouf and Lantash? Or about the Tok'ra, at least?_


	4. Chapter 4

Sam POV

.

_May 20 1999_

_Today we were on a short mission to a planet in the Goa'uld Bastet's domain. It was a fairly uneventful mission, and we met neither Jaffa, nor Goa'uld. What we _did_ meet was Martouf and another Tok'ra, on a trading mission._

_They were waiting for the trader to gather the food they had bought, and we were just learning about the culture and the people, so we went together to an inn and had some surprisingly delicious food - and wine - to drink._

_It felt nice and comfortable to sit there and talk with Martouf, even if it was mostly un-important things we talked about, and things relating to the planet. The other Tok'ra, and Daniel, Teal'c, and the Colonel were present too, so I could not talk to Martouf about the things I really wanted to._

_Still, the fact that he sat next to me, and that I could feel his body heat was wonderful. He sat so close beside me on the bench that we often happened to touch. It was heavenly._

_I can always sense the naquadah in Tok'ra, Goa'uld, and Jaffa, and outright touching Martouf gave a nice tingling sensation from that as well. All I wanted was to lean my head against his shoulder and ask him to hold me, but I couldn't do that in public. I was also afraid of scaring him away._

_I am doing my best to hide what I feel, but part of me can't believe I am doing a good job. I have never felt such a strong love before, but I am still as confused as ever. Because of the whole situation with Jolinar, and because we live on different worlds - and have different cultures - I don't know how to proceed, or if I even should._

_I have never been one to approach anyone about my feelings. I would never have gotten into a relationship with Jonas, if we hadn't had shared friends, and even then it was only because he was quite persistent, that we ended up together. I have this unfortunate attraction to 'the lunatic fringe', though I wouldn't say Martouf qualifies. Narim might, but it is hard to judge someone from another culture entirely._

_Anyway, I got engaged to Jonas, but the relationship was always distant. We were never close, and never even intimate...in that way. Or any other way. I think he just thought of me as someone that could admire him. He was always only really in love with himself._

_Why do I even think of Jonas? I saw sense and told him to leave, before he went completely wacko - and set himself up as a god and worked some poor people to death, building a temple to him._

_I think my 'relationship' with Jonas scared me off that part of life - or maybe I am just too inept. I know Daniel told me I never knew what love was, and I suspect he was right - but now I do._

_Which only reinforces my fear that my love comes from Jolinar, because I'm not sure I _can_ love._

_But it feels wonderful, even if it is also hard. Hard to not be able to tell Martouf of my feelings._

.

I take a look at what I have written, and consider tearing the page out. This is almost too much to admit, even to myself. But maybe it will help me, and I can read it again in some time, and see if I have evolved.

I allow the text to stand, but hide the diary better than usual - inside a binder marked 'Survey of tension strength in carbon-hardened steel, exposed to temperatures below -30 Celsius.' I am sure no one will ever open that!

* * *

_June 10 1999_

_Tonight I had a dream about Martouf/Lantash, and Jolinar. For once it was not an erotic dream, at least not to begin with, but it was a very loving, romantic one._

_They were celebrating their anniversary, and Martouf/Lantash had bought a beautiful necklace for Jolinar and Rosha. They had wrapped it in a blue silk scarf, and before giving it to her they told her of their feelings, and how they always wanted to be with her._

_The love from Jolinar, and their love for her, it was so powerful! I get tears in my eyes just thinking of it!_

_I am also so jealous! But how can I ever have something like that? I really want it, but I can't think Martouf would love me like that. I don't think I would deserve it either, and I feel certain I will never experience such love from anyone. I despair thinking about it._

_Jolinar had a wonderful shirt for Martouf and Lantash, and afterwards they went to 'their' place on another planet, and had a picnic, swam naked, and made love._

_I want such a love! Such a relationship!_

_And I think I want it with Martouf._


	5. Chapter 5

I sit down, exhausted, mentally and physically. Mostly mentally. I pull out my diary, and open it to a new page, intent on writing down my feelings and thoughts, hoping it will help me.

.

_July 2 1999_

_It started several days ago... the Stargate activated, and I heard it was the Tok'ra IDC. I ran to the gateroom, eager for news about my dad - and Martouf and Lantash. I know the others think it is only because I hope it is my dad, but it is not. I am drawn to the Tok'ra, due to Jolinar - though mostly I am drawn to Martouf and Lantash... partly due to Jolinar. I must admit I hoped it was Martouf/Lantash, but I was also happy to see my dad. And Selmak. I need to get used to Selmak being there..._

_Anyway, dad was bringing information about the System Lord Seth. The Tok'ra had done a tally of the System Lords, and found that one of those they had little info on was Seth - and they thought he was on Earth._

_A side-note here, I guess, but it turns out the Tok'ra have 3D holograms - projected holograms, with no silver-halite coated plates, no photo-polymer film, no… well, to put it shortly, way way more advanced than we are, but I knew that!_

_And here is the odd thing, usually I am annoyed when dad or some other Tok'ra points out the Tok'ra are more advanced than us, but when no one points it out and I just notice it to be the truth? I feel... proud? I know how crazy that sounds, and I also realize it must be the part of me that is Jolinar that feels that... and it scares the Hell out of me! I mean, I have accepted that I have memories... and feelings... from Jolinar, but to accept that my whole personality has changed? That is hard!_

.

I take a deep breath and look at what I have written. I consider tearing out the page, but this... writing a diary, this is something I do mostly for cathartic reasons, and it does help, so I decide to leave it in. I mean, no one is ever going to read this anyway, except for myself. I pick up my pen again and continue.

.

_My dad told us that the Tok'ra though Seth was here on Earth, and Daniel set to work following the Goa'uld through time, from the last point when anyone had known where Seth was. It didn't take him long to figure out where Seth was possibly hiding - Daniel is always good with things like that._

_We went to the compound of a cult leader, and met the father of one of the young men who had been brainwashed and made to join. It was decided that Daniel, the Colonel, and myself were to go undercover and pretend to be acolytes, since Seth would sense Teal'c's symbiote or Selmak._

_Why no one thought about the fact that he would sense _me_ too, is a mystery. I mean, I can sense symbiotes due to the naquadah in their and my blood - and I can sense other naquadah too. I haven't talked about dad about it, and I know that you have to be close to me to notice it, because while I have as much as a symbiote, it is also much more spread out, in my entire body, and so the signal is weaker. However, I also know Apophis sensed it... and so did Hathor. And I have talked to Martouf about it, and he can sense it at a few feet - at least. And he can sense it a lot when he touch me, like static electricity almost - and it is the same for me. It feels strange, but also... nice._

_Anyway, my dad must have felt that when he hugged me, but maybe he thought that was only when it could be sensed?_

_Anyway, we were discovered, we got away - and Seth tried to escape. Selmak had brought a hand device and wanted to hit Seth with it, but was not fast enough, and Seth hit her and my dad first. I was so afraid for my dad - and so angry at Seth. Selmak told me she would take care of my dad, gave me the hand device, and told me to get Seth._

_Somehow she knew I could use it, even if I have not been practicing._

_I was _furious_ with Seth, and when I saw him I funneled all my anger towards killing him with the hand device. I did not even think about whether or not I could activated it. I didn't think at all, I just reacted. I wanted to hurt Seth - not just for what he had done to my dad, and to Selmak - but for all he and his kind did to the innocent in the Galaxy._

_I was Tok'ra when I killed Seth. I was... Jolinar. Partly, at least. And I wasn't sorry about it. Not in the least. I was relieved. Relieved that Seth could no longer harm anyone._

_Then I saw my team mates's expressions. The Colonel was shocked, but he has seen enough death that he nodded, accepting it - even if he may have been a bit uncomfortable of how I had killed Seth. And with how much fury. However he accepts that you have to use what you can, to do what must be done._

_Daniel... Daniel was horrified. Horrified that I had used a Goa'uld weapon - that I_ could_ use a Goa'uld weapon_,_ horrified that I had killed Seth with such fury, horrified that I had not thought of the host, but most of all he was horrified at being reminded that I am not fully human anymore. That part of me is Tok'ra - who are biologically the same beings as the Goa'uld, even if he know they are different philosophically. The part of me that killed Seth with inhuman fury is the part that is like the one who has his wife, Sha're._

_Even if Daniel doesn't blame me, and even if I know he wants the Tok'ra as friends, I also there is a part of him that will always be suspicious and uncomfortable about any symbiote._

_Also, I will never forget the look of horror and revulsion I saw in his eyes when I turned to him. Never._

_Daniel is my friend, and that makes it so much worse. You never want your friend to look at you with horror and revulsion._

.

I put down my pen and try to think of the positive things that happened afterwards. Selmak had convinced my dad that he should try and patch things up with Mark, and we actually went there. My dad was happy to see Mark, and to see his grandkids. I feel fairly sure that they are on the way to mending their relationship, and for that I am very grateful to Selmak.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam POV

We returned from an exhausting mission a short time ago, and after the usual checkup and a shower I feel a need to write about what happened.

I just grab a sandwich and some coffee, and shake my head when the others ask if I want to sit and eat with them. I need some time alone - I often find I do whenever we have encountered a Tok'ra or something else that reminds me of something from Jolinar's life.

Which are actually many thing, I guess.

Tired, I sit down at my desk and take out my diary. I open it to a clean page and start writing.

.

_August 6 1999_

_We had been surveying the planet, but our UAV had disappeared, and we shipped out to check it out. Turns out it had been shot down. By a bounty hunter no less!_

_The bounty hunter's name is Aris Boch, and he is hunting a Goa'uld - or so he claimed. He employed our help to catch the 'Goa'uld' in return for letting us go. However, after some scuffles where we tried to flee, he didn't trust us, I got tied up. The Goa'uld claimed to be a Tok'ra and my team mates suspected it was right and that I would recognize him, but Aris Boch did not believe in Tok'ra, or at least not that they are different from Goa'uld. _

_I was freed, and I met the so-called Goa'uld. He was a Tok'ra - named Korra, and badly injured. He was on the run from the Goa'uld Sokar, having pretended to be his underling, Keltar. _

_We tried to convince Aris Boch that he is Tok'ra, and that they are very much not as the Goa'uld, but he did not listen. Then Korra tried to commit suicide, not wanting to risk giving up the Tok'ra during torture. _

_It was a bad scare for me, both because Korra was a good friend of Jolinar's - and I feel as if he is my good friend - but also because it reminded me of other incidents where Tok'ra were captured and tortured. Where Jolinar was tortured. _

_So badly. I try to force the images out of my mind. It has happened to her many times, but one was especially bad. I'm not sure where it was, but there is a disgusting man torturing her, the place is hot and filthy - and it feels like I am there. _

_I feel dirty, just thinking of it. _

_I take a deep breath and force those thoughts aside. _

_It shocked Aris Boch, though. Badly. I know that. He did not think Tok'ra would try to commit suicide to save their friends and companions, but now he got proof they are not like the Goa'uld._

_We wanted to save Korra, and Teal'c offered to go with Aris Boch instead, since he was valuable too. We agreed to that, and Aris Boch did too._

_Then, of course, it turns out Aris Boch had truly been moved and now believed in the Tok'ra and in someone willing and able to fight the Goa'uld. He tricked the Goa'uld and let us all go._

_Korra stayed only briefly here, then returned to the Tok'ra. His symbiote can heal him, so no worries there. _

_I talked to him for a little while, and we agreed to talk more next time I am in the tunnels. Talk about old times, even if it was Jolinar who knew him. It is weird, but he accepted it way easier than me. Maybe it is the Tok'ra way._

* * *

I pull out my diary, feeling a need to write about my dream before doing much of anything else.

.

_September 8 1999_

_It was a strange dream. _

_I was walking around on the base, and after a little while it was not me! I looked in the mirror, and it was me - but I looked wrong? Even if I still see the image - it was Samantha Carter. However, I was too tall, my hair was too short, but almost the right colour, even if the slight redness was missing. My eyes were the right colour, at least._

_I felt a powerful sense of loss, and just wants to cry and throw myself in the arms of ... my lover? My mates. I see them for my inner eye. _

_It is Martouf and Lantash. They are so handsome! My heart beats faster as I look into their pale blue-grey eyes, and our lips slowly comes closer, and we kiss..._

_._

_In my dream all this makes sense. _

_._

_Again in my dream, I feel alone, so terribly alone. I want companionship, and I consider reaching out for the other. I remember the hurtful words she threw at me. The obscenities she yelled at me. My heart hurts just thinking of it, but I also feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I have done something unforgivable. How could anyone ever forgive it? It is against all my kind believe in! What I have done...makes me no better than a Goa'uld!_

_Someone is approaching me, and I pull myself together._

_It is...Daniel, is his name. I am disgusted by myself, _taking_ memories from my host, without permission. He greets me and asks if I want to go have a cup of coffee._

_Coffee...I have no idea what it is, and I do not want to commit more crimes against my poor host just for information about some sort of beverage. In any case, I suspect my host would say yes, so much against my will, I do the same. _

_._

_My alarm clock rang at that point, and I woke up. I felt really depressed, but I knew it was really Jolinar who had felt depressed. _

_It was so weird! In the dream I was her, and I felt and reacted and _thought_ as her. _

_This makes me wonder, not for the first time, how much of Jolinar is in me. How many of her memories I have. _


	7. Chapter 7

The last few days have been horrible. Maybe if I try to write a bit in my diary, it will help my mind to settle. Exhausted, I sit down and pull out my dairy. I look at the blank page for a few moments, then begin to write.

.

_October 8 1999_

_We have just returned from burying Sha're. These few days, since she was shot...I thought Daniel was going crazy. It must be horrible for him! To have his wife taken over by a Goa'uld, have her be missing for so long - only to see her killed before his eyes, by someone he considers his friend. _

_Daniel has told me he kept hallucinating about Sha're, and that he did not know what was real or what was not. Apparently, Sha're tried to send him information, thoughts, through the ribbon device, while Amaunet was using it on Daniel. I guess it is possible. There is so little we know about that device - or any Goa'uld technology, really. I have only vague memories of it from Jolinar, and then my one experience in using it, to kill Seth._

_I ought to ask the Tok'ra to teach me about it. Both how it works, technically, and to teach me how to use it. It could be...useful, I guess, though part of me feels revulsion at using it. Crazy, I know, as it is just technology. A weapon - no worse than a rifle, really. Though how Daniel would react if I used one again, I do not know. He was horrified last time. Now, after what happened with Sha're? I don't know how he would react._

_I wish we could have saved her. Part of me wish the Tok'ra really had a sarcophagus, as Daniel thought during one of his hallucinations. Then we could have healed Sha're - and Amaunet, I know that, but the Tok'ra could remove her. _

_But I know and understand why the Tok'ra do not use the sarcophagus. Daniel does too, after his brief addiction. Its side effects are terrible. _

_It's just... if we could just keep a sarcophagus somewhere, somewhere where no one could misuse it, and then _only_ use it when someone is badly injured. It could save people's life, and there are no side effects if it is only used when truly needed - and rarely. _

_But it is impossible for anyone to control their desire to use it constantly. Its addictive effect is strong, and it warps your mind. I know, not only from Daniel, but also because Jolinar was briefly addicted to it. Before she became Tok'ra. _

_Still, maybe it would be possible to place a sarcophagus offworld somewhere, have it locked up, and with guards, and only accessible when two people at the same time said it was needed. Kind of like the device to destroy the base. I wonder if the Tok'ra would agree to that? We could share it. _

_I will consider talking to my dad about it. Or maybe Martouf. _

_At least all this made me think of something else but how much I feel as if we have failed Daniel and Sha're. It will take him a long time to get over her death. I don't know how I would react, if I loved someone like that._

_Like Jolinar loved Martouf and Lantash._

_._

I look at what I have written, and I feel my heart constrict at the thought of anything happening to Martouf and Lantash. I take a deep breath, and grab my pen again.

.

_Like how I have come to realize that I love Martouf and Lantash. My heart hurts just thinking of something happening to them. Their life is as dangerous as mine. More so, since everyone hunts the Tok'ra, always, and they are never completely safe, even on their base._

_I really need to talk to them about that sarcophagus!_


	8. Chapter 8

Warning for discussion of past rape (Bynarr - Jolinar) in this chapter.

* * *

I sigh deeply and sit down at my desk. We have just returned from rescuing my dad on Netu, and it was _exhausting_, emotionally and physically.

For a moment I just stare straight out in front of me. Then I unlock my drawer and take out my diary. I look at the cover of it for a moment. So beautiful!

It's a notebook, the thickest one I could find, with some sort of faux leather binding, I think. It's unused, but vintage, I think.

It's blue or blue-grey and it has a pretty shine, almost scintillating like mother of pearl. There is a faint background pattern too. I loved it the moment I saw it, and now, with Jolinar's memories fresh in mind, I realize why... it looks almost exactly like the crystals of the Tok'ra tunnels!

I sigh deeply. Jolinar's memories! I shake my head and open the diary to a fresh page and begin to write.

_._

_October 31_

_We have just returned from Netu, after rescuing my dad. It was probably the hardest mission - emotionally - that I have ever participated in. It would have been Hell without the added trauma of Jolinar's memories, but with them it was horrible! We rescued my dad, and Sokar was killed. Those to important things are what I must focus on._

_But the rest! Jolinar's memories have been a constant factor in my life for the last more than a year, but most of the time they are just outside the conscious reach of my mind. Doesn't mean I don't get memory flashes, and dreams... and then there are all the little things that is different, likes and dislikes that have changed, without me even realizing most of the time. Until one of my friends points it out to me._

_That is something I have learned to live with. However, going to Netu, to the place where Jolinar suffered so much... and in addition having to access her memories with the memory recall device... I don't wish that on my worst enemy!_

_With the device on, you can get caught up in the memories. They feel _exactly_ as if they are happening at that moment! Of course, Jolinar's memories have always felt like they were my memories, but at least they don't feel like they are happening for real, at that moment! _

_But with the memory recall device on, they did. I felt the time Rosha and Jolinar spent with Martouf and Lantash, the night before they left for the mission that brought them to Netu. That night was the most wonderful, passionate experience I have ever had - and it was not even me that had it! _

_Then came more unpleasant thing. Horrible things, as I remembered... or more correctly_ relived_ the torture Jolinar was exposed to by Sokar, by Bynar... so horribly bad. It felt like my head and neck would explode! And all I thought of was surviving and protecting my host?! Yes, that is the weird thing, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It is Jolinar's memories, after all, not Rosha's. _

_As excruciating as the pain was, what had happened after was worse. What happened after to Jolinar, I mean, though it feels like it happened to me. Like it was _happening_ to me. Bynarr raped her, brutally, and afterwards she had to pretend to like him, make him fall in love with her, and fake a relationship with him. Sleep with him, again and again. It was the only way to survive that place - and to escape. Because she had a plan. Make Bynarr desire her and trust her, and then steal his key to the ring transporter, and escape._

_It worked, too, but it was a horrible price she had to pay. She hid as much as she could from Rosha, and she intended to hide it all from Martouf and Lantash... and to forget it herself. Tried to forget it, at least. _

_I had to tell Martouf, tell him what she never wanted him to know. I don't know if I feel I betrayed him the most, or her. _

_It is ridiculous, but it really feels like it all happened to me. Like it was I who was trapped on Netu for months, was tortured, raped, had to pretend to love my rapist and sleep with him... I never wanted Martouf and Lantash to know. I mean, they would not be angry, not at all, but I... I mean Jolinar, didn't want to think of it ever again. Didn't want anyone's pity... and even though she knew her mates would not be angry at her, she could not risk it. I think her self-confidence had been badly damaged, but how can anyone go through what she did and escape unscathed? In any case, she didn't want them to know, and I told them. _

_I hate myself. _

_And I feel dirty. I have showered twice since returning, and that doesn't include the brief cleaning I did on the teltac. _

_I guess I should talk to the psychologist on the base, but he'd just think I was crazy, and probably take me off active duty. That can't happen! That is the only thing that keeps me sane right now - not to mention that it would stop me from visiting the Tok'ra, and I think I might need to do that. _

_If I am confined to Earth or forced to talk to some damn psychologist about this... then I will truly go crazy!_

_No, I can handle this myself. I _must_ handle this myself! _


	9. Chapter 9

I sit and stare for a moment at the blank piece of paper, then begin to write. It's only been a little more than a week since we had a really bad foothold situation, and I almost didn't think we'd make it.

.

_November 15th._

_It's only been a little more than a week since we had a really bad foothold situation, and I almost didn't think we'd make it._

_That's not what I'm thinking of, though. The trip to Netu is still very much on my mind, and even when that particular place is not, then my mind is full of memories from Jolinar._

_I have had as many memory flashes in these three weeks since Netu, as I had in all the time before that! My dreams are almost always affected as well. _

_The memory recall device really stirred up something! Any time something reminds me of Jolinar, or the Tok'ra - or even the Goa'uld - I get a steady stream of memories. Mostly it is low-level, and I can ignore it, or at least hide it from others, but sometimes it gets... _distracting_. _

_Like yesterday, when we were on P3X-936. We were going through a large market, and I suddenly smelled a dish that I know Jolinar loves. It immediately threw me into a memory where Martouf and Lantash were cooking this dish for her, for her birthday. The memory was followed by a fantasy fueled by the memories of what had happened later that evening, when Martouf and Lantash made love to Jolinar. Such mind-blowing sex that I have never even _imagined_! _

_Let's just say that I was a _little_ effected, and that everyone had apparently been staring at me, since I had started moaning - and then kissing Daniel! My teammates were weirded out at first, and quickly got me away from the place, but now they are laughing at me. They will probably tease me forever, but I know they are worried for me too. _

_I need to talk to the Tok'ra about it. Maybe their healers can help me, but I fear the only solution to this problem of mine is to blend. A symbiote would be able to help me sort through these memories from Jolinar._

.

* * *

I sit down at my desk, and unlock the drawer. Taking out my diary I think about what has happened the last couple days. I sigh and open the diary on a new page.

.

_December 12, 1999_

_We have all spent several days with an artificial lifeform named 'Urgo' in our heads. It was weird, to put it mildly, and I am glad it is over with. He made us behave really strange - eating lots of delicious food. _

_Of course, that reminded me of when I had Jolinar in my head. It was a very different experience. Not just because Jolinar had more control of my body - well, total control - but because she behaved differently. Very differently. She was not fooling around, but she had a purpose. _

_She was also more understanding, even when I was yelling at her and calling her horrible names. _

_I know, more than any time before, realize how much I miss her. She was a living, organic being, with feelings, desires, hopes, and dreams... and she died for me. Now all that remains of her in me is her memories - and feelings - and some naquadah, some protein markers, various pieces of DNA floating around in my cells... not much more than that. _

_While Urgo was in my head, I did not experience many memory flashes. I think I had one dream, which was only marginally erotic, but I was still disgusted that Urgo saw that. It was not something I wanted to show with him. At all. I feel it violated not only me and Jolinar, but Martouf and Lantash as well. _

_It made me think... how is it to have sex when you have another lifeform in your head? Every erotic thought could be seen by a symbiote... any... kinky fantasy would no longer be secret. That is absolutely something that would worry me._

_It doesn't seem to worry the Tok'ra. In a way, I want to ask, but the only one I could ask such a question would be Martouf and Lantash - and I don't really feel like asking them anything that has to do with sex! It would be awkward, and I would blush like a schoolgirl._

_Because I would not be able to stop myself from thinking of having sex with them. That is hard enough as it is. Whenever I meet them, I have this urge to throw myself in their arms, and kiss them until we are out of breath... and rip off their clothes and have my way with them. _

_If I were a host my symbiote would know. Of course, if it were Jolinar, she would be feeling the same, but I think it would still be... embarrassing. _

_I do get the feeling that the Tok'ra rather enjoy sharing things like that between host and symbiote. I guess, if you truly know and trust each other, then the other would not find you 'weird'. _

* * *

_December 19, 1999_

_It is soon Christmas, and then my birthday is not far away. December 29th I will be 30. _

_I have never been one to celebrate much. Last year I was on base for my birthday - and for Christmas too, for that matter. I don't know if I should go and spend time with Mark and his family? Now when we are getting along - somewhat - better. I know my dad wants to go spend Christmas with Mark and his grandkids, if he can get time off, but I don't know if I want to come. Maybe, but only for a few days. I don't want to spend my birthday there, because my cousin will be there, and she would take the opportunity to talk about how it is high time I got 'settled' - which to her means marry, get kids, buy a house together... and so on. _

_I cannot tell her - or anyone else - that I already love someone. Two someones, Martouf and Lantash. Offworlders. Aliens - one of them not even human... members of an illegal underground resistance. _

_No, that is not someone cousin Tanya would like!_

_I know why I don't want to go celebrate with Mark and dad - I mean, I do want to go, but... I just really wish I could be with Martouf and Lantash instead. Maybe show them some of Earth, and our cultures and traditions. I wonder how they would like Christmas?_

_Yes, I am an idiot. I very much doubt they would want to spend time with me like that! _

* * *

_December 27th._

_I just returned from Christmas with Mark, his wife, their kids, cousins Tanya and Dave, and their respective families. It was fun and relaxing, mostly, but I am extremely relieved to be back here on base. _

_I had a very erotic dream tonight, about Martouf and Lantash. This was one of the times were I was _me_, and not Jolinar in the dream. I think I must have cried out, fairly loudly, because dad gave me a dirty look the next day. I know he was in the room beside me, so with Selmak's hearing he probably heard me. I have a vague memory of moaning both Martouf's and Lantash's names... and maybe shouting 'yes!'. _

_Crap. _

_I am _very_ glad I am back on the base!_


	10. Chapter 10

It's my birthday, and I am on the base, sitting in my lab and working. My team mates are all away doing one thing or another, and my dad is still with Mark.

I sigh. I turn 30 this year. Today. Anyone else, sane, would celebrate with friends and/or family. Why is it that I am sitting here, alone, then?

I stare at the alien device in front of me. We found it on P2X-893, and I have no more a clue to what it is than I did when we found it.

It's oblong, about 10 inches long and a bit over 2 inches in diameter. Cross-section circular. Smooth surface, except for those decorative grooves Goa'uld technology have etched into them. So it is probably Goa'uld tech.

Scans show there are some sort of machinery inside, but we have not found a way to open it. Or activate it.

I wonder what it is. Why is there no buttons anywhere? No switches. Staring at it, I suddenly think it looks like some sort of sex toy. I shake my head at myself. I feel confident the Goa'uld would not have sex toys - I mean, they could just force a slave to pleasure them at any time, so why bother?

I place the offending piece of tech under the microscope, hoping to spot something that gives a clue how to open it, turn it on, or just hint at what it is.

I stare at it for several minutes, before I give up.

After a few moments of contemplation, I unlock the drawer and take out my diary. I have opened it to a new page and I am just about to start writing something about the misery that is my life, when someone knocks on the door.

"Yes?" I ask, closing the diary and looking towards the door. What now?

The door opens, and Hammond stands outside. "Major Carter? We just received some reports today, that contain material we are going to share with the Tok'ra, as part of the new agreement. Would you take care of it until they can pick it up? Maybe Jacob can bring it back when he returns?"

"Sure, no problem." I get up and go to take the fairly large pile from him.

"How long is Jacob staying with his son and grandchildren?" Hammond asks.

"Another four days, I think. He wanted to celebrate New Year's Eve with them."

Hammond nods, and gives me the many reports. "Major, since you're here anyway, would you mind taking a look at the artifacts SG-11 found on P2X-910? It's been standing in storage for weeks, and Area 51 keeps complaining..."

He doesn't have time to say anything else, when the alarm goes off, signalling an un-scheduled off-world activation of the Stargate.

I grab the reports from General Hammond and dump them on my desk, then quickly leave with him, in the direction of the gateroom.

It would just be what is needed if we are attacked on my birthday!


End file.
